Sunday evenings have been a real punch to the gut for as long as I can remember.
I think most of us (save the select few lucky souls in this world that truly love what they do for a living) experience some level of sadness that the weekend is over and that it’s back to the grind for another week, but for me this has been really exaggerated, especially in the last year.
I started noticing not long ago that the “Sunday evening blues” were extending into the “Sunday all day blues”, and even more horrifying was the day when I realized that the “Sunday evening blues” had stretched into the “Saturday afternoon blues”, and then eventually into the “Saturday all day blues”….leaving really one sacred part of the week left untouched; Friday night.
Today’s 30 Day Writing Challenge asks me to write about something which I feel strongly about; and in really sitting back and considering this, I’ve realized that a) the list is quite short and b) that slowly, I’ve been drifting further and further away from the fired up person that started this blog and completed that IronMan 70.3 back in 2013.
How terribly bittersweet it is that so few of us can see the merit in the person that we are until we are a lesser version of that person sometime into the future.
When I started this blog back in 2012 (seriously, over 4 years ago….how.is.that.possible), I was a plucky, courageous, outspoken 23 year old who truly felt unstoppable.
Case in point: I signed up for a damn IronMan 70.3 without ever having ridden a road bike in my life.
You say stupid; I say courageous 😉
I’m not totally sure what it is that’s slowly but surely morphed me into a cautious person, full of crippling self-doubt and self-confidence at an all-time low, rivaling the levels that I operated at when I was being bullied within an inch of my sanity in high school.
So many wonderful things have happened in the last 4 years that I’m really left with no choice but to draw the line back to my career, an area that I’ve been really, really struggling with on the inside more than on the outside.
From the outside, things look very rosy for me in my career.I have a good job. I make a lot of money. I have a lot of vacation time. I’m rewarded with lots of nice perks and benefits.
But I’m unhappy.
I am so, so deeply unhappy, and if that makes me a selfish millenial, then so be it. But it’s the truth.
The ironic thing is that in so many ways the somewhat successful path that my career has taken has created this incredible fear in me. Fear that nobody else will want me. Fear that I won’t succeed at anything else that I try to do. Fear that I will let people down. Fear that I will never, ever have the courage to do anything that means anything to me.
Sounds kind of like one of those twisted, emotionally abusive relationships right? It certainly feels like being in one.
In any case, I sat down to write this post about something that I feel strongly about with the intention to write about Les Mills and the profound love and respect that I have for our culture (surprised? Didn’t think so! ;-)), but my fingers started to type a different post, and so here we are.
I guess I do feel strongly about this topic as well 🙂
The silver lining to this post is that I truly don’t feel that it is ever too late to jump. It may hurt a little more with older, more brittle bones, but I truly don’t believe that the moment is ever gone for good.
I’ve slowly been taking some steps to reintroduce myself to a much younger version of myself who was truly enamoured with books and the written word. I’ve been reading again. And god damn it feels good.
I haven’t read for pleasure in so many years. I’ve devoured about 800 pages in books in the last week, and even as I type this post, my mind is wandering back to the characters living between the covers of my most recent find (The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins).
While it’s a far cry from being a solution to the issues I’m having in my career, something feels right about the direction that I’m heading, so I plan to continue down the path with some measurable steps that I’ll tell you guys more about come September!
For now….it’s off to bed…with a quick stop-off in the fictional world to take the sting off the impending work week!
Have a great evening – fiction or non 🙂