And I’m not talking about the TV show with Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, the guy that sings “Forget You” and that country singer that I keep referring to as “Miranda Lambert’s husband”……
Let me preface this post by saying that I’m currently battling what is slowly slipping from “knee pain” to a “knee injury”. On Wednesday I went to see my chiropractor; he’s usually able to help me with everything from back and neck pain to shoulder troubles and ankle sprains. He used to be the trainer for the Oakville Blades Junior hockey team and so he knows all about bullheaded athletes that don’t take care of their bodies. Not that I’m one of those or anything……..;)
Anyways, he played around with my knee a little bit and got it to make this god awful popping noise. Turn out my kneecap had actually shifted right out of alignment and was grinding away on the cartilage and other bones. Well isn’t that just peachy. He sent me away with orders to ice it and do some exercises to strengthen the inner part of my knee. It feels “better”, but it still hurt like a mother teaching BodyPump the rest of the week, and it’s still a little achey this morning. I think that’s to be expected because the inflammation needs to come down a bit. At least that’s what I tell myself….
So on Wednesday, I was scheduled to do a 20 minute run before my BodyPump class. From the second I walked out of my chiropractor’s office, this small little voice started in my head; far away at first and then gradually drifting closer and closer. It’s concerned.
“Not a good idea. Your knee is bad. You might hurt yourself. Quit now while you’re ahead”
But here’s the funny thing. Running doesn’t hurt my knee. Squats and lunges do, but running does not. As I drive in the direction of the gym, the voice got a little louder and more shrill. The concerned tone starts to evaporate. Now it’s got a bit of a scathing tone.
“You never learn do you? You push it to the point that you hurt yourself, and then you cry because you can’t teach your classes. You deserve to be injured. You treat your body like crap.”
I don’t have a response to the voice, so I just continue driving, letting the words roll around like marbles in my head. I nearly hit a pedestrian in the cross walk because I’m so lost in my own thoughts.
Anyways, I’ll spare you the drama. I got to the gym, borrowed a hair elastic from a very kind brunette girl in the change room (because I seem to have lost my stash in my gym bag…I swear to God someone goes in there and steals them!) and get on the treadmill.
I started off easy. A couple of easy strides to get my knee loosened up, to test the waters. I’m okay; it’s not painful to run. And then suddenly, I’m not alone anymore. The voice in my head is back, and she’s more vicious than ever.
“You look like shit you know.”
What the hell? Where did that even come from? That doesn’t even have anything to do with running?????
“Look around you. You think you fit in? You’re a joke. Runners are supposed to be thin. Look at you.”
I turn my iPod up a little bit louder. Maybe it will go away and leave me in peace.
“You think you can ignore me? You’re hilarious. Feel that heavy impact on your ankles, your knees, your hips? Know why that hurts so much? Because you can’t stop eating like a 400 pound man. You’re like an elephant trying to run. People around you are staring at you. And by the way, that shirt you’re wearing doesn’t do you any favours.”
I think by this point I’m into minute 8 or 9 out of 20, and I’m seriously thinking about calling it a day at minute 10. My knee is a little shaky, and I have to teach an entire Pump class really soon…at least I ran some….right? Something is better than nothing?
“HA! You think you can do a Half Ironman!? You should sign up for Just For Laughs. You can’t even run for 10 minutes on a treadmill. You’re pathetic. Make sure to save me a front row seat for when you fall flat on your face. I’ll be front and centre with my feet up saying “I told you so”.”
I battle against it for the entire 20 minutes. Once I hit the Stop button on the treadmill….it stops, and everything goes quiet. I’m thrilled that I made it 20 minutes! A little piece of me just shakes my head at the voice. So often it’s right. But today, it was wrong.
Who is this vicious, cold, biting, scathing, miserable person that lives inside my head? Is it possible that that person is ME in any form? I sincerely hope not.
I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy, to anyone on the planet, in the way that this voice speaks to me.
That voice is there when I go clothes shopping. It’s there when I go to the beach or to the pool. It’s there when I meet new people or enter a new social situation. It’s run roughshod over me ever since I can remember.
The one place that that voice doesn’t seem to have any power over me is in the studio. I’ve always found it very bizarre, but no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how down on myself I’m feeling or just distracted I am in general, once the music starts, everything has always gone quiet upstairs. It’s one of the (many, many) things that I love about teaching so much 🙂
The bottom line is, I got my run done, and I was thrilled! I am so excited for this Trek or Treat 5K tonight! I’m going to be running with my best friend Bailey and her boyfriend Graeme, and I think the plan is to try and do a make-shift Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume…yes, there will be pictures 😉
Check Bailey out over at www.onetipforthefuture.com by the way! She’s fabulous in the kitchen and will have you salivating in no time flat! I knew there was a reason her and I got along…….:)
To wrap up, I want to say that over the next year, I know that I’m going to have to come face to face with this voice inside my head and conquer it once and for all. It won’t be a quick fix unfortunately, but it’s something that I’d really like to figure out, not just for triathlon training, but for everything else too.
Don’t you think it’s time after 10+ years for someone to tell that little bitch to shut her mouth???
I wish you and your families a very happy weekend!! We are headed downtown for the Toronto Waterfront Marathon – I can’t wait to cheer for all of the amazing athletes and collect some inspiration of my own!!
One thought on “The Voice”
Ahhh Sara!! You have a loyal blog reader now over here! Thanks for that pic btw… it’s a sweaty one but brings back so many awesome memories! And I had no idea Bailey had a blog too.. I’m totally checking her out! Have an amazing time at the Trek or Treat.. you’re just as much of a runner as anyone I know – and a damn good one at that!!